Image courtesy of Brenebrown.com.
I don’t have any children, nor a spouse, or even a home…but when I do this is what I want to be the foundation of our home. It speaks to me about unconditional love, feeling worthy, knowing life is an imperfect journey, being that which we want to teach and in that learning, being vulnerable and navigating courage, talking through and letting go of judgments and learning to discern, knowing there is always space to be ourselves and be supported, making a practice out of gratitude and seeing the light, showing compassion to ourselves and all those around us, sharing our feelings and embracing them, speaking our needs and respecting each others boundaries, encouraging practices of creativity and exploration, playing and laughing and sharing silence, holding space to help each other walk the hard roads, and embracing one another with hugs and shoulders to rest upon.Posted on March 29, 2013 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
Fear – It will creep up when you least expect it. It’s a very useful feeling but one that you have to dive into understand versus heeding to its every whim. Fear crept up on me today and is still lingering about a bit although I’m not giving it to much energy or attention. I didn’t know it was fear at first. What I knew was that I was uncomfortable, agitated, and not wanting to be feeling how I was feeling. On the surface I was calm. In fact, most of my body was completely relaxed. However, there was a deep undercurrent that was buzzing on a frequency of low grade anxiety. Anxiety = FearPosted on November 18, 2012 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
Conditioning…it is what has given us our perspectives and beliefs. From before we are conceived until we die we are bombarded with what is ok/not ok, good/bad, right/wrong, should/shouldn’t… It is what allows us to feel different from one another and most often times not connected. As Cheri Huber shares with us, we become disconnected or separate from ourselves as we move away from what feels true and right to us as a child and we navigate our parents roles, expectations and discpline. We do this to survive. Unfortunately, we carry this forward and add to it as we cycle through phases of childhood and then adulthood.
I’m a rebel in many ways. Bucked many ‘systems’ since I was a child. My parents had to navigate my stubborness and I had to learn how to do what they wished if I did’t want to be punished. How does one raise a child and not fully condition them as a reflection of your own wants and needs and your own conditioning? This is not an easy question to answer. In some ways, the easy one is that you can’t raise a child without conditioning. I do believe it takes a lot of grace and courage to watch your children navigate their world and do your best to support what you see come out of the core of their being. I’m realizing even though I don’t have children that this can be extremely difficult if we don’t even recognize our own conditioning.
I open this post with conditioning because I often find that “it” or the voices in my left brain are coming from this position. What I’ve come to believe is good or not good, right or wrong, risky or not risky. Other people’s opinions creep in and seem to have their space to state their opinions. Lately, I’ve been just sitting in the awareness of this happening. Being a witness to these voices. Having Aha moments of saying, this is conditioning and non of this is real. It’s only real if I choose to let it be.
My work right now is centered around being just witness to this process. Sometimes I feel triggered by it emotionally and sometimes I don’t. Even thohgh I know is conditioning. My other work is around trust. Trusting the ‘knowing’ that I get about my wants or decisions even though I can hear the chatter of the left brain voices trying to convince me that I’m crazy. I’m not crazy I tell them. I let them know I hear them, I appreciate them, but that there is another part of my being that is just as important, my intuition, and that it’s time for it to get a bigger say in my life. I don’t judge any of it, I just watch it all go down.
I’m currently going through something really powerful and life changing. My intentions and manifestion work continues to bring into my life that in which I focus my energy on. Thank goodness, my intent is about love and compassion so that this is what is being shown to me and what is coming into my world. Part of the trusting is this. Knowing that I’m part of this creation process and even there is something so much more intelligent at work as well.
Right now I am cradling my powerful experience. Sheltering it from the world’s opinions and beliefs. I know I’m not immune to the energy that is sent to me regardless if I know it’s just opinions, a reflection of conditioning, and a place of caring and protection. All I want to feel is the love that I’m experiencing. It is totally unexpected and I am grateful. I want to sit in it, protect it, flow with it. I have to work through my own fears and trust. I love the people in my world. I know they love me. I know they want what is best for me. But what I also know is that only I know what is best for me. Only I can navigate my conditioning with understanding and decide what I want and what works and doesn’t work for me. I am learning to trust my true self and what the universe has in store for me.
I am happy. I am grateful. I am loved and loving.
It is late into the night or shall I say early morning. I’ve wiped my eyes yet the tears still flow. I am filled with awe and gratitude. I am blessed that after learning, listening, forgetting, hearing again, having aha moments, letting things slip, beating myself up, remembering to love myself, making a commitment to ‘love’ that I really am growing and living my intended life. I realize that this is the journey of life. This is the journey of growth. There is no perfection. There is no one way. There is no destination. The human spirit is relentless, it wants to good, do good, be good. And when we fall we can be so hard on ourselves, that often we don’t even allow others to help us up. Somehow so many of us have found ourselves in a spot of unworthiness. Perhaps through collective consciousness we have created this through millennia of words being spoken, that we are sinners, that we have fallen. I am deeply starting to understand the power of words and thoughts and how these create our realities. Sure I’ve read a lot of self-help books that speak to that but in the end all those books are usually saying, trying it out for yourself. See if there’s truth in it for you. So some of it I have and some of it I haven’t. As stated above the journey is about ebb and flow. I’m not a big goal setter, nor have I lived most of my life with specific visions of what I’ve wanted. I can look back though and see that I’ve never wanted to hurt people, I’ve always wanted to help, I’ve always felt drawn to stand up for people and fight inequality, I’ve understood the innocence and wisdom children bring to the world if only we were to pay closer attention to it, that at our cores we are all the same, and that it’s important to give a voice to those that don’t have one. These have been guiding principles that have helped shape and create my world I’ve experienced and manifested.
My connection to something greater than myself has always been a mystery. Something that at times you couldn’t tell me didn’t exist and at others you couldn’t tell me that it did. Something consistent in my life that showed me the depth of humanity with our joys and sorrows was being a ‘part’ of the Oprah Winfrey show. There was always something so great at work when I would watch those shows and for so long I knew I loved it but didn’t spend too much time thinking about why. The why wasn’t important. Those shows and what Oprah wanted to bring to the world was a part of what shaped my life. Listening and connecting to the words and stories of love, forgiveness, worthiness, pain, sadness, hope, inspiration, validation, gratitude, spirit, energy, and respect became a part of who I am and who I already was.
I write this post because my story is life long and its all plays a part of who I am today. It’s impossible to say I am this or that because of one thing. I say this all knowing though that becoming who I wanted to be started to blossom when I set one major life goal almost 5 years ago. That goal was a commitment to learn, experience, and know as much as I could about the word and the power of LOVE. I owe this goal to my best friend Mayra who passed away July 6, 2006. I’m not really sure how it all came about, but that was the picture shown to me for what her life meant for me. Mayra deeply loved and gave to people selflessly. I remembered always thinking she sacrificed too much at the expense of her own happiness, but later learned that so much of her happiness came from what she gave and that what were sacrifices in my eyes was love to her. I made a promise to her and to myself that I wanted to know that kind of love. That I wanted to feel it and experience it for all it’s joy and possible pain.
The whisper, the nudge, the gut, the flash of words or phrases…is life speaking to us. Our connection to something greater than ourselves yet speaks to us individually. Many call it God, our own intuition or higher-selves, some say it’s spirit guides or angels. It is whatever feels right to you. This is always with us but often we ignore it. Love is the message I received from the whisper when Mayra passed. That life is short and that it’s really all about love and being true to yourself. Ironically this phrase which sounds selfish is actually what allows true love to come forth because you are able to give when you are authentic.
The journey of uncovering all the love that I already am and have, has lead to so many things but at the core it’s pushed me to understanding who I am, where I’ve come from, and that I have to live my own truthful life. I have synchronicities or ‘coincidences’ that I’ve come to interpret as sign posts, letting me know I’m on the right path. It’s lead me to repeating positive affirmations about myself, that I don’t always believe in when I start but slowly overtime take hold. Just another example of the power of words and how they create my reality. As I peel back the layers of ego and illusion, connection to others begins to feel more real and feel like an expression of love. I practice wrapping myself in a bright white light of love that I then send out to others. I visualize the energy moving through space and time and reaching those in which I have sent the intent. I’m drawn to do it and realize that these small acts of love make a difference. I do it to those I love, those that cause me and others pain, and those that are deeply hurting.
The goal of LOVE has brought me the gift of having more compassion. It grows more and more everyday. I have a sign on my white board that reads; LESS Judgment – MORE Compassion. Someone I love dearly would always remind me that I don’t know someone else’s story. Who am I to Judge. There is a difference between Justice and Judgment and between Discernment and Judgment.
I practice picturing people in my mind’s eye and telling them I love them and I forgive them. I also practice doing the same thing and asking others to forgive me. I find that often I now see myself and do the same as I would do for others.
This post wanted to pour out of me after watching the final episode of 25 years of the Oprah Winfrey Show. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write when I sat down, but that I had to write. I’ve been inspired over the years and more than ever during that last episode. Oprah has always wanted us to know that each one of us is worthy of happiness because we are expressions of the miracle of life. That we are each responsible for our own journeys regardless of where we came from, who or what are parents are, and that we are worthy to live fulfilling lives. That there is always that ‘whisper’ that is talking to us and to take time to be silent and listen to it. That each one of us in our lives just wants to be understood and validated, so take time to listen to the people around you and let them know that what they have to say or what they feel matters. That we are all connected and that no one is alone with joy or sorrow. And that the Golden rule of Treat others as you would want to be treated, runs deep as this is the cause and effect in which we manifest.
I have learned to ask for help from the universe and by golly I get answers. I’m in a phase of learning to trust those words, whispers, and unexplained senses of knowing that I experience. For when I do the pay off is beyond rewarding – the payoff is more love and freedom to live my truth. I am learning patience and that I’m not supposed to know it all NOW.
I am filled with gratitude for all those that have shaped my life and supported me. For my parents who have always supported me in their own ways for what they felt was best. To Oprah for being the constant inspiration that I didn’t even understand its magnitude until years and years of watching your show. To Aina who showed me my mirror for the first time and for getting me to understand that loving myself isn’t selfish. I give deep and utter gratitude for having received many years of Mayra’s love and with her passing that I am discovering a rich life that is really beginning to bloom in love. I am so blessed with still being able to connect with her through spirit over the years and know that she too is helping me on my journey still. And to the power and grace that is guiding me on my path, I bow to you.
Each day I stand a little taller, with my head a little higher, and can feel the flow of LOVE more easily. I am filled with awe and wonder and realize that my goal of LOVE is not really a goal, but just a direction to help steer me, because really it’s all about the journey.
Posted on June 8, 2011 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
Since I’ve returned from my trip ‘home,’ I’ve been feeling really blah most days. Sort of like walking around like a zombie. I don’t want to read, write, workout, walk, etc. I have my bouts of anger and frustrations with my breakup and working through those are taking me a little longer than they were a few weeks ago. I’m also so tired these days, I just want to sleep sleep sleep. My eating is off as I’m still trying to figure out what food is healthy for my body and acceptable to my heart and mind.
Someone asked me last night if I’m feeling a little depressed. My first reaction was no I don’t think so, but then I thought about it. The symptoms are textbook, but I also know that I’ve not been eating well, taking my vitamins, or working out. Lack of all those could lead to being depressed and being depressed could lead to the lack of motivation to do those things.
So, awareness is first right? I’m not going to allow myself to sleep late or take naps right now and I’m going to put myself on a regular sleeping schedule to get my 8 hrs. a night minimum. I’ve already started my round of vitamins and now that I have some new ones that don’t make me sick that should help. I’ve also increased my vitamin D intake, as I already know from a test it’s low. I’m going to also start moving my body a few times a week to get the blood kicking again to wake my ass up.
I get frustrated when I’m in zones like this. I’ve known them on and off for as long as I can remember. I’m indecisive and feel really lazy when I’m in them.
I saw Dr. Maya Angelou speak last night and thought about how inspirational she is. How at 82 she just keeps on creating, doing, acting, being. She was amazing.
I’m so fortunate and have a very blessed life. Japan is going through such a horrible tragedy right now and it adds to my, what the hell is up with you Keach attitude. I feel like I should be walking around on clouds and smiling all the time for how blessed I am. But alas, I recognize the unkind attitude towards myself and a ‘should’ expectation that really has no bearing on reality. I’m in a funk. I’m blah. It won’t last. Perhaps at the end of winter by body is preparing for spring.
So, I’m taking steps to make sure my chemicals, nutrition, movement, and sleep are more balanced. I’m taking some time to be still and listen. And most importantly, I’m watching those nasty thoughts that try to beat me up and replace them with loving patient ones. I’m accepting what is and trying to create from there. It’s a waste of my energy trying to be in a space i’m not. However, it is always worth my energy to change my perspective towards the direction I want to go.
Posted on March 15, 2011 by Keli · 0 comments Read More