I’m proud of me. Yup, I sure am. I’m proud of myself.
At the close of the year I like to reflect back upon it and how I lived. I don’t really set New Year’s resolutions or goals per se but I do set intentions. Things that I want to work on overtime. These items are usually ongoing and don’t have a finish date which is why I set them apart from being goals. However, they end up being the priority for that year.
At the beginning of 2012, my greatest intention was to work on my resistance. I wanted to first fully own it. Admit to myself that I can be resistant in many circumstances. Ironically, I resisted that I am resistant for a long time, ha! I then wanted to catch myself when I was being resistant so I could make a different choice. I decided to focus on the word curiosity. I was going to look at things with curiousity which would help me open up and be less resistant. This was my intention and affirmation, “My curiosity leads me into alignment with my highest good.”Posted on December 31, 2012 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
Rather than continuing to gather new pieces of evidence to support our story, we must take the higher road. We must give it all up to allow our new story of unstoppable courage to emerge. Which road are you on? ~Debbie FordPosted on June 6, 2012 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
I’ve been thinking a lot about all that goes into wanting to change something about yourself. Whether it’s purely internal (thought pattern) or whether it’s something more external (quitting coffee). The more I get to know myself the more I realize my theme for going about things rests in resistance. Resistance according to Dictionary.com is the ‘act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.’ I believe in resistance for workout sets, I even support it when the underdog stands up for itself against the government or any other oppressive system. But, these aren’t the types of resistance that I’m talking about. I don’t enjoy the theme of resistance that plays out because it isn’t supportive in my drive to learn new things or make changes. In fact it hinders it greatly. I often first say “no” even if it’s just in my head before I slowly come around to being open, if at all. It then still hangs out even when I decide to go forward with something. It rears it’s head along the way during the various processes.
So what is this resistance all about? Even though I don’t like it, knowing it allows me to dig into it, learn about it, embrace and accept it, and ultimately watch for it so I can have it take a backseat. Since I know there are only two modes of internal motivation that we act from Love & Fear, I first need to ask myself which camp resistance comes from. Since I don’t feel it’s supportive of my goals, dreams, and a something that helps me move forward, I feel it comes from fear. Fear of what? Change? The unknown? Failure? Trust in myself? Being in pain? Not letting go of the past? Maybe it’s all of these things, I can see it being the case when I think of different examples. So if it’s part of my process, what does it think it’s doing for me? The word that keeps flashing in my mind’s eye is safe. The act of resistance that my ego uses does this to keep me “safe.” This type of safety is an illusion. I feel though that it is the type of safety that keeps me imprisoned and stiffled. It may appear to keep me safe in some situations, but it is filled with struggle and strife. So is this really safety then? I feel it’s just an illusion of safety.
Since I’ve held the intention of wanting to know Love in all it’s forms I have to look the things that come from Fear straight in the face. I liken this to Phobias. One of the best known tactics for getting over phobias is to face the fear head on. Lots of exposure to it, not running from it, sitting in it, dealing with all that comes up – and in the end commiting to facing it until it’s gone or so minimal it no longer hinders you.
As I type this I can feel the resistance creeping knowing what I’m going to ask myself to do. Ha! I also felt a twinge when typing out the word commitment. For me resistance and commitment go hand and hand. Or should I say resistance and lack of commitment. This is another one that is hard for me to swallow, but if I allow the resistance to take the lead a lack of commitment seems to be it’s co-pilot. They become intermeshed. I don’t want to commit to something for some of the same fears as resistance. Fear of failure, fear of letting myself or others down, fear of the unknown, fear of pain…
What life looks like when I let these two things run my life is one of little direction and purpose. It resembles contentment with periods of longing for more. It is often filled with frustration at feeling like I don’t make the kind of progress I want to be making. It feels as though passion and motivation only peak out occasionally but often don’t stay very long. It feels like life is just passing me by and not being lived fully. I know am so much more than just meandering through life.
So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to face the resistance and the lack of commitment head on. I am going to stare those fears down. I’m going to tell the ego, thank you for trying to keep me safe, but it’s no longer welcomed in this area, I’ll be taking over from now on. I am motivated for this. I can feel the fears creeping in, like ahhh, what if trying to make these changes doesn’t work? I’m willing to challenge my known conventions for the experience of the new.
That’s where phase two comes in. How can I go about facing commitment head on? How do I go about setting goals? How do I go about changing my theme from resistance to cooperation? From Fear to Love. This will follow up soon in another post. Stay tuned…
Since I’ve returned from my trip ‘home,’ I’ve been feeling really blah most days. Sort of like walking around like a zombie. I don’t want to read, write, workout, walk, etc. I have my bouts of anger and frustrations with my breakup and working through those are taking me a little longer than they were a few weeks ago. I’m also so tired these days, I just want to sleep sleep sleep. My eating is off as I’m still trying to figure out what food is healthy for my body and acceptable to my heart and mind.
Someone asked me last night if I’m feeling a little depressed. My first reaction was no I don’t think so, but then I thought about it. The symptoms are textbook, but I also know that I’ve not been eating well, taking my vitamins, or working out. Lack of all those could lead to being depressed and being depressed could lead to the lack of motivation to do those things.
So, awareness is first right? I’m not going to allow myself to sleep late or take naps right now and I’m going to put myself on a regular sleeping schedule to get my 8 hrs. a night minimum. I’ve already started my round of vitamins and now that I have some new ones that don’t make me sick that should help. I’ve also increased my vitamin D intake, as I already know from a test it’s low. I’m going to also start moving my body a few times a week to get the blood kicking again to wake my ass up.
I get frustrated when I’m in zones like this. I’ve known them on and off for as long as I can remember. I’m indecisive and feel really lazy when I’m in them.
I saw Dr. Maya Angelou speak last night and thought about how inspirational she is. How at 82 she just keeps on creating, doing, acting, being. She was amazing.
I’m so fortunate and have a very blessed life. Japan is going through such a horrible tragedy right now and it adds to my, what the hell is up with you Keach attitude. I feel like I should be walking around on clouds and smiling all the time for how blessed I am. But alas, I recognize the unkind attitude towards myself and a ‘should’ expectation that really has no bearing on reality. I’m in a funk. I’m blah. It won’t last. Perhaps at the end of winter by body is preparing for spring.
So, I’m taking steps to make sure my chemicals, nutrition, movement, and sleep are more balanced. I’m taking some time to be still and listen. And most importantly, I’m watching those nasty thoughts that try to beat me up and replace them with loving patient ones. I’m accepting what is and trying to create from there. It’s a waste of my energy trying to be in a space i’m not. However, it is always worth my energy to change my perspective towards the direction I want to go.
Posted on March 15, 2011 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
I just wanted to say thank you for lunch. It feels so wonderful to just enjoy you without having all these strings attached that I’ve had. It’s still something I need to work on, to not have strings within all my relationships, but for now I’m just grateful that those strings are falling away with you and I’m able to just enjoy the time I do have with you. I’m surprised really that it could have happened this quickly, but it’s really all about the growth. I’m facing the truth that I didn’t really want it the way it was and I was unhappy because I wanted it to be different. I still miss you of course and sometimes get really really sad, but I feel like the neediness of wanting more is just dropping away. I’m in full acceptance mode of what is. I’m really able to appreciate more of who you are because the details of it all are no longer entangled with my everyday world. I’ve always wanted to love and respect all of who you are but I would find difficulty because of getting sad and disappointed by some of the very things that make you you, because they didn’t mesh with what I wanted or needed. I hope that makes sense.
So what I’m saying is that it feels so wonderful to sit with you and talk and share and have it feel so nice. I’m able to appreciate it truly for what it is in that moment and nothing more. It’s a gift and not at all what I could have truly imagined or expected. I thought I would have all these hangups and so far they just aren’t there. Every once in awhile irrational thoughts pop into my head and it seems to be getting easier to talk through them and laugh at myself. I had one last night that really showed me how ‘crazy’ the mind can be. It just makes shit up and I realize how much in the past I would just believe it or somehow rationalize it. I can see it in others too. Ok, I’ll give you the example of the ‘crazy’ mind last night. I hope it makes you laugh, because I did. It all took place for about 30-45 sec. in the shower.
Background – Last night I sort of wanted to go out, but wasn’t really motivated. I was going to go to the xxxxxx and just didn’t feel like it in the end. I was sort of in the space of not knowing what I wanted to do with my time. I wasn’t feeling lonely or deprived, just at a loss for not knowing what I wanted to do with my evening.
Got your text – you are at the xxxxxx and will be leaving shortly
Crazy begins – (mind tone is in full ‘attitude’ mode)
-she’s at the xxxxxx?
-I wanted to go out!
-She doesn’t even like to go out on the weekdays
-Why is she out and I’m not?
-That’s not fair (how dare she)
-She’s hanging with xxxxx and watching xxxxx’s band (jealous)
-To myself- didn’t you decide you didn’t want to go out?
-So did you really want to go out after all?
-Doesn’t she like to go out sometimes on weekdays?
-Does her going out have anything to do with you?
-Don’t you want her to go and enjoy herself and be with her friends?
-Then what are you upset at?
-laughing begins – nothing at all
Then I just looked at the whole dialog and really started laughing at how ridiculous it all was. Then I was grateful that I recognized that my awareness kicked in shortly after the ‘crazy’ had begun and I started talking to myself with questions that were getting at the truth and not something irrational. I mean really, my mind was trying to get me upset that you were out and I wasn’t and that somehow this was even your fault that I was upset. CRAZY
I appreciate these things, I really do. They are my recognition examples of my growth, and continuing teaching lessons. They are palpable.
So thank you my lady. I just love you to death and I’m currently still on a high from our lunch. I’m sitting here just feeling loved and happy.Posted on January 28, 2011 by Keli · 0 comments Read More