I want to write a bit about my knee injury I got back in February and about what I needed to learn for it to really start healing. But first I wanted to talk about the link between our thoughts and our bodies. It seems that there are a growing number of people who recognize that our state of mind and emotions will affect our bodies physically, yet even amongst this group of people in certain situations there is disbelief that thoughts or emotions could be the root or block to healing. For example, at this point it is pretty well known that high levels of stress is highly likely to increase your risk of heart disease. So what does that mean exactly? How does something become stressful to where it leads to plaque buildup in your heart? Well, since I’m not a doctor or medical researcher I’m not going to try and explain what happens when the body is under stress and how that leads to heart disease, but I do want to talk about how something becomes stressful. What is stress? How does an event become stressful? There are some situations that are life and death and your body will automatically react with the fight or flight response. This type of stress is automatic and our bodies are built to release chemicals to help us survive and once the immediate threat is gone, our levels return to normal and we go on or way.Posted on May 24, 2013 by Keli · 1 comment Read More
For about a year now and increasing in intensity the last 4-5 months I’ve been being what feels like thrown into places and experiences to learn more about Jesus. I’ve been a recovering catholic for over half my life and although I’ve always felt like Jesus really did live and that he stood for peace and forgiveness, his attachment to Christianity and the Old testament just didn’t jive with me on many many levels.
My earliest memory of “what I wanted to be when I grew up” was when I was 7 or 8 and I wanted to be a Nun. I believe it took that form because in the catholic church if I wanted to serve God, that was the role I would have to play. I can remember feeling a powerful connection to God/Spirit/Jesus that was unlike anything else I had known. It felt right. However, I can also remember being very frustrated in the church because I had a lot of questions and no one seemed to be able to answer them to my satisfaction. Slowly as I humanized the connection through unanswered questions my connection to the source faded. Overtime I began to see the farse which was the catholic church and I turned my back on it all and have continued to explore divinity in many other ways.Posted on February 19, 2013 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
I’m proud of me. Yup, I sure am. I’m proud of myself.
At the close of the year I like to reflect back upon it and how I lived. I don’t really set New Year’s resolutions or goals per se but I do set intentions. Things that I want to work on overtime. These items are usually ongoing and don’t have a finish date which is why I set them apart from being goals. However, they end up being the priority for that year.
At the beginning of 2012, my greatest intention was to work on my resistance. I wanted to first fully own it. Admit to myself that I can be resistant in many circumstances. Ironically, I resisted that I am resistant for a long time, ha! I then wanted to catch myself when I was being resistant so I could make a different choice. I decided to focus on the word curiosity. I was going to look at things with curiousity which would help me open up and be less resistant. This was my intention and affirmation, “My curiosity leads me into alignment with my highest good.”Posted on December 31, 2012 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
Outline of my first Past Life regression:
Took place over 2 hypnosis sessions
Therapist (JF) directed more questions in acutality than stated below.
Image – Means a clear quick flash
[My Present conscience having thoughts and connections to past life]
January 26, 2011
Open door into Forest – eastern looking forest
I’m calm and content
Small dirt path with pine leaves
Sound of war planes over head flying in opposite direction
It shakes everything around me, I am now frightened
I’m not sure which way I want to go, forward or back
I sit and wait
I’m wearing feminine looking Birkenstock sandals
JF – What year is it?
Image – 42, 1942
I realize I’m wearing a simple gold wedding band
JF – Where’s your husband?
Image – I see him pacing inside a house, a kitchen
He’s angry and worried
He’s tall with dark hair, lanky frame – face isn’t clear
JF – How do you feel about him?
He feels like a stranger
Like I was forced to marry him
Not an arranged marriage, but feels like I didn’t have much of a choice
I want to move forward on the path away from the house
But feel I must go back
I reach the door
Husband starts yelling at me
Where the hell have you been? You know you can’t go out? What are you doing?
I don’t want to argue, I just look at him
My fear fades and I feel compliant
I concede and say I’ll go laydown
Just then I realize I’m pregnant – I’m supposed to be on bed rest
I now know why he is angry
I’m 3-4 months along
I feel utterly alone and trapped
This feeling is so empty
[This feeling is something I don’t remember ever feeling yet can relate to it on some level]
I feel I have no one- no family, no friends, nothing but my stranger of a husband
JF-Go forward to the next significant event in this life
I quickly see a closeup image of a baby screaming
Covered in birthing fluid
Doctor holding ‘him’ – it’s a boy and he’s mine
JF – How do you feel about your baby
I am relieved that labor is over, but feel very out of it.
I’m in a hospital, but nothing is familiar
I keep going in an out, I feel drugged, not coherent
My husband is there, he is happy
People are rushing around, nothing is making sense to me
They usher him out of the room
I am hemorrhaging
JF-Ok, with no pain, let’s move to the day of your death
I can’t see it – I can’t get there
JF – How old is your child when you die?
I see him playing in they yard
I’m in my bed looking out the window
He’s 2.5 or 3
Closer to 2.5
He’s got sandy brown hair in a bowl cut
He’s a happy kid, has a joyful, sweet spirit
I’m sick, really sick
I’ve been sick for as long as I can remember
I’m sad because I’ve been in bed all these years
I’ve not been able to raise my son
I feel guilty
I’ve been locked ‘inside’ looking out
My husband is kind, but he annoys me, I don’t know why
My son brings me things – flowers, sticks, rocks, things he makes me
He loves me, I love him, but I can’t give him all the attention he needs
I die I am around 24 years old
February 2, 2011
Not under hypnosis yet.
I questioned if the experience was real. It felt more dreamlike than what I had read about. My therapist asked me if I would have imagined or written a story like that? No, was my answer simply. I asked her, so you think it was real? She said, Oh yah, with such certainty. She’s been doing this a while.
After some analysis over the last week, I was confused with why I was sick for 2.5 years.
I knew there were some complications from hemorrhaging but something was missing. It’s not what I died from, I knew that much intuitively. We went back to see what happened.
JF-Close your eyes. Let’s go back to when you first felt sick and were diagnosed.
I’m in and out of doctor’s offices – lots of tests – they don’t know what is wrong
[Image – The word Cancer]
Doctors don’t know what is – they don’t know how to treat me
It’s somewhere in my pelvic region
The pain is all over there and I don’t know specifically where it is
I realize I’ve been married for about a year, not pregnant yet
I quickly realize this is what killed me.
I understand why I was on bed rest
My body was weak and it’s partly why I hemorrhaged.
I progressively got sicker from the beginning and ultimately it took my life
JF- Let’s go back to when you were a child, what do you see?
First vision is seeing it from above, it’s a large room
Lots of beds and lots of children
It’s an orphanage
Then perspective zooms in and I’m seeing through the eyes of one of the children
I’m an orphan [I am shocked – my present day awareness of this realization]
JF-How do you become an orphan?
I don’t know I feel like I’ve been here a long time
JF-Let’s go back to your birth, no pain – you are born, cleaned, measured, weighed and wrapped in a blanket, where’s is your mother – where’s is that familiar heartbeat?
I can feel myself swaddled
When she says heartbeat, I realize I’m looking for it, where is it?
I feel panicked and afraid – there is no heart beat – no mother
JF- Do you learn ever learn how or why you became an orphan?
I don’t think I ever learn the truth per se, but feel as though I wasn’t wanted
That’s what I grew up feeling
JF-Were you adopted or did you grow up in the orphanage?
Quick scan of complete childhood
I grew up in the orphanage
I lived and went to school there
One location all those many years
I play with the kids but feel really alone
I don’t connect strongly with any of them
JF – How do you feel about your caretakers?
Image – 4 women of different ages flash in front of me
They are nice women, kind, they do what they can do
There are so many of us
JF – What do you mean by that?
They’re isn’t enough of them to give us all a lot of love
JF – Let’s move forward…
Wait – this one caretaker is drawing my attention
She’s young – 20s – Short bobbed brown hair, slim, pretty
I’m sitting with the feeling I’m getting from her
She’s sad she can’t give me all the love she wants to
There is a strong connection there
There is s knowing sense between us that it’s all good
I send her energy to say, it’s ok, I know you love me and I love you, it’s all ok
JF – Do you recognize her from this life, is it someone you know?
I try to look into her eyes [this is where I’ve read most people ‘recognize’ people in their past lives]
Her face isn’t clear
JF – Don’t worry about her face, what about her energy, her spirit
Instantly I knew it was Mayra
It’s Mayra, my best friend who passed
Tears are rolling down my face
[OMG, it’s Mayra, she’s my caretaker, just like she was in my current life]
As this was happening, I connected back with her energy from then and it felt like she was present, like I was connecting with her ‘now’
I don’t know if I was or if it was just memory
JF – Let’s move ahead to ….
Wait, I need to stay here a moment longer…
We smiled at each other with that knowing love I knew from my present life
I sat in the under current of the connection we’ve always had
I couldn’t believe it, I was in awe, my heart so full
JF – Let’s move forward to when you meet your husband
I am somewhat distracted by my experience with Mayra
It takes me a moment to re-focus
I see him in a park
I’m with a friend
There aren’t many details
JF- Are you still living at the orphanage?
Ahhh, he is my way out
That’s why I marry him
JF – You’re way out of what?
He’s nice to me, I think that’s all that’s important right?
It won’t be bad if he’s nice to me
I don’t know what marriage or love is supposed to look like
I realize my marriage was a choice but one I felt out of necessity
JF- Let’ move back to the end of this lifetime. No pain, you’ve already died and are having a life review. What do you learn from this lifetime that you need to take to the next?
That I spent this whole life feeling really alone and that actually I’m never alone
That I didn’t connect with people and that I need to let people in
JF – How do you let people in?
By listening and giving
I need to learn to love and accept love
JF – Ok, let’s heal now and open up to feeling God’s love and knowing you’re never alone. Let your heart expand and full with this loving presence
As I focused on the walk through visual JF was giving me I could feel all this light and love around me
Slowly I felt multiple presences coming out of the light I was envisioning
I quickly ‘knew’ that many many spirts love me from afar and hear on earth
I am never alone
Then she came forward
Mayra was there
She wasn’t in full body, just her energy coming from one of the forms of light
She was smiling and her love was HUGE
I asked her deep from within [I didn’t feel like I formulated the question, yet it was there]
How are you?
Mayra – Oh Kel, I’m wonderful. It’s amazing, I’m learning so much [answered in an instant]
Me – I love you so much
Mayra – I know, I love you too, all of you
Me – I knew the ‘all of you’ meant all of her loved ones
I don’t know how long it was but there was just this exchange of love and feeling each others presence and knowing everything was all good
She and then the other presences slowly faded back to one main light being
JF – I’m going to bring you back now and you will remember everything…
I ‘awoke’ with a stare and shock at what I just experienced
I was speechlessPosted on February 6, 2011 by Keli · 1 comment Read More
This is a letter I wrote about my first week after the separation. (excuse the poor grammar)
I literally take moment by moment and I’m never quite sure how each one is going to be. Overall things have been going better than I have expected.
Over the last week I’ve had such deeply sad empty feelings of loss and these mostly came when I thought about you not being in my future the way I had wanted. I also came across some of our email exchanges from that first summer and became angry at why that passion and excitement we both had didn’t develop into what we both had wanted. I’ve been sad that I’m losing my everyday person, my everyday go-to if you will. Who am I gonna tell the simple little things to? Who am I gonna share my little excitements with? These have been the challenging moments.
But something very powerful was happening during these experiences. I would experience them, feel, really feel, and then after awhile talk myself through them. I understood the resistant I was displaying. I understood that I was focusing on the loss of something in the future that hadn’t even existed even if I had dreamt it in my mind. I would come back to the present and what is. I would go through all the talk about lessons and that I don’t have to know all the reasons why, but that it is healthier now then what was. It seemed like my mind would then gravitate to all the wonderful things about you and our relationship. What I loved. I go through my learning and understanding, those moments would pass and I would feel better. It’s been interesting cycles like that. Not always the same, but often they have been like that.
I’ve also been feeling like a big weight has been lifted off of me. I’ve been carrying a different sadness and frustration than now, around for so long and that is leaving me. These are moments of feeling like this is the right choice, this is what is best. This is healing. I would feel small bouts of joy. Almost a feeling of freedom. Sometime after these moments my mind starts to feel guilty. You shouldn’t feel joy, you’ve just lost the woman you wanted to spend your life with; You are only supposed to be sad right now; you’re not loving by having these feelings… Awareness would kick in and I’d realize that old patterns of self sabotage and unhealthy thinking were trying to sabotage my healing. Old stories or expectations being played out. I’d stop myself. I’d have to talk through this. Saying all is ok. Feeling joy doesn’t mean I’m not sad things didn’t turn out different, it doesn’t mean I don’t love her. This is life, this is how things go. You are living, experiencing learning. Be kind to yourself.
In all of this I can feel my love is becoming more expansive for you. The process of acceptance and feeling the moments of joy have given me a glimpse into feeling that it can be different with you. When I have moments of jealousy they are becoming immediate teaching moments. I stop and ask myself what I want for you. The answer is always for you to be happy and healthy. That I want what’s best for you. That I want you to feel joy and love and play and have fun. And that those moments might not ever include me and that it’s ok because that doesn’t matter. The jealousy then dissipates.
This week has been so eye opening. I am breaking open again. I am understanding how much I have learned and am learning. I am grateful. I am humbled. I am proud.
I was a little hesitant and nervous when we made plans Saturday morning. When you asked if we could talk, the feeling was fully one of yah, I’m good with that, no problem. Then with time the hesitation was felt, I didn’t know what to expect. I then tried to remind myself that all will be fine and if I’m not comfortable I will leave and let you know I can’t talk. Again, understanding I have to take all of this moment by moment. Saturday was great. I was comfortable. I felt real. There wasn’t baggage filled with disappointment, expectation, wanting, etc. I was just there listening to your stories feeling happy, I felt good. Not fully aware of all of what was happening until I left and processed it.
I had a lot of fun today (Sunday). I had moments of worry before we met that something wasn’t going to go right, etc and I knew they were just old patterns trying to show their face. I also had a moment where I knew I still needed space and that the space allows me to continue my growth in the direction I need and want. I also know that part of my healing with you is going to be spending time with you. I don’t want complete separation until some unknown time. That is not going to be the way I heal best. That is how I’m feeling right now. And I’m feeling my way through my feelings and boundaries. I trust myself. I trust my intuition.
So I’m feeling like I want things to just go with the flow. I know I can’t contact you every time I want because I have to move into a different space with you, but I’m also ok with talking or hanging when I really want to or if you want to. Taking each of those requests when they come and us deciding if that works. No drama just evaluating if that works at that moment.
Well, there’s my story lady. In as much honesty and realism as I can explain in my written words. I am feeling very grateful right now for everything. I am most grateful that our splitting was a mutual agreement and that there isn’t anger between us. That is what I feared most. Knowing I needed to leave and fearing you would be so angry with me as in my previous attempts. I didn’t want to face all the hurt I was going to experience by watching your pain. I didn’t want to see you in pain. So I am grateful that is not how it went.
I hope you are doing ok. I know you are dealing with so much more than just this and it’s all intertwined on some level. I would like to know how you’re doing if you want to share.
I’m feeling very hopeful about us. I’m excited that I can already feel myself expanding and that my love for you is growing in a real healthy way. In a pure way.
I hope you sleep well and that you have a good week. I hope my words find you well. I owe so much of all this growth and healing to you. You have been my awakening light. I am so fortunate. Thank you doesn’t seem enough, but I know you know how deeply I mean it. I love you.Posted on January 17, 2011 by Keli · 0 comments Read More