I’ve been thinking a lot about all that goes into wanting to change something about yourself. Whether it’s purely internal (thought pattern) or whether it’s something more external (quitting coffee). The more I get to know myself the more I realize my theme for going about things rests in resistance. Resistance according to Dictionary.com is the ‘act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.’ I believe in resistance for workout sets, I even support it when the underdog stands up for itself against the government or any other oppressive system. But, these aren’t the types of resistance that I’m talking about. I don’t enjoy the theme of resistance that plays out because it isn’t supportive in my drive to learn new things or make changes. In fact it hinders it greatly. I often first say “no” even if it’s just in my head before I slowly come around to being open, if at all. It then still hangs out even when I decide to go forward with something. It rears it’s head along the way during the various processes.
So what is this resistance all about? Even though I don’t like it, knowing it allows me to dig into it, learn about it, embrace and accept it, and ultimately watch for it so I can have it take a backseat. Since I know there are only two modes of internal motivation that we act from Love & Fear, I first need to ask myself which camp resistance comes from. Since I don’t feel it’s supportive of my goals, dreams, and a something that helps me move forward, I feel it comes from fear. Fear of what? Change? The unknown? Failure? Trust in myself? Being in pain? Not letting go of the past? Maybe it’s all of these things, I can see it being the case when I think of different examples. So if it’s part of my process, what does it think it’s doing for me? The word that keeps flashing in my mind’s eye is safe. The act of resistance that my ego uses does this to keep me “safe.” This type of safety is an illusion. I feel though that it is the type of safety that keeps me imprisoned and stiffled. It may appear to keep me safe in some situations, but it is filled with struggle and strife. So is this really safety then? I feel it’s just an illusion of safety.
Since I’ve held the intention of wanting to know Love in all it’s forms I have to look the things that come from Fear straight in the face. I liken this to Phobias. One of the best known tactics for getting over phobias is to face the fear head on. Lots of exposure to it, not running from it, sitting in it, dealing with all that comes up – and in the end commiting to facing it until it’s gone or so minimal it no longer hinders you.
As I type this I can feel the resistance creeping knowing what I’m going to ask myself to do. Ha! I also felt a twinge when typing out the word commitment. For me resistance and commitment go hand and hand. Or should I say resistance and lack of commitment. This is another one that is hard for me to swallow, but if I allow the resistance to take the lead a lack of commitment seems to be it’s co-pilot. They become intermeshed. I don’t want to commit to something for some of the same fears as resistance. Fear of failure, fear of letting myself or others down, fear of the unknown, fear of pain…
What life looks like when I let these two things run my life is one of little direction and purpose. It resembles contentment with periods of longing for more. It is often filled with frustration at feeling like I don’t make the kind of progress I want to be making. It feels as though passion and motivation only peak out occasionally but often don’t stay very long. It feels like life is just passing me by and not being lived fully. I know am so much more than just meandering through life.
So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to face the resistance and the lack of commitment head on. I am going to stare those fears down. I’m going to tell the ego, thank you for trying to keep me safe, but it’s no longer welcomed in this area, I’ll be taking over from now on. I am motivated for this. I can feel the fears creeping in, like ahhh, what if trying to make these changes doesn’t work? I’m willing to challenge my known conventions for the experience of the new.
That’s where phase two comes in. How can I go about facing commitment head on? How do I go about setting goals? How do I go about changing my theme from resistance to cooperation? From Fear to Love. This will follow up soon in another post. Stay tuned…