The life most white Americans don’t experience and can’t really even comprehend. It is part of our white privilege that permeates all aspects of our waking lives.
Conditioning…it is what has given us our perspectives and beliefs. From before we are conceived until we die we are bombarded with what is ok/not ok, good/bad, right/wrong, should/shouldn’t… It is what allows us to feel different from one another and most often times not connected. As Cheri Huber shares with us, we become disconnected or separate from ourselves as we move away from what feels true and right to us as a child and we navigate our parents roles, expectations and discpline. We do this to survive. Unfortunately, we carry this forward and add to it as we cycle through phases of childhood and then adulthood.
I’m a rebel in many ways. Bucked many ‘systems’ since I was a child. My parents had to navigate my stubborness and I had to learn how to do what they wished if I did’t want to be punished. How does one raise a child and not fully condition them as a reflection of your own wants and needs and your own conditioning? This is not an easy question to answer. In some ways, the easy one is that you can’t raise a child without conditioning. I do believe it takes a lot of grace and courage to watch your children navigate their world and do your best to support what you see come out of the core of their being. I’m realizing even though I don’t have children that this can be extremely difficult if we don’t even recognize our own conditioning.
I open this post with conditioning because I often find that “it” or the voices in my left brain are coming from this position. What I’ve come to believe is good or not good, right or wrong, risky or not risky. Other people’s opinions creep in and seem to have their space to state their opinions. Lately, I’ve been just sitting in the awareness of this happening. Being a witness to these voices. Having Aha moments of saying, this is conditioning and non of this is real. It’s only real if I choose to let it be.
My work right now is centered around being just witness to this process. Sometimes I feel triggered by it emotionally and sometimes I don’t. Even thohgh I know is conditioning. My other work is around trust. Trusting the ‘knowing’ that I get about my wants or decisions even though I can hear the chatter of the left brain voices trying to convince me that I’m crazy. I’m not crazy I tell them. I let them know I hear them, I appreciate them, but that there is another part of my being that is just as important, my intuition, and that it’s time for it to get a bigger say in my life. I don’t judge any of it, I just watch it all go down.
I’m currently going through something really powerful and life changing. My intentions and manifestion work continues to bring into my life that in which I focus my energy on. Thank goodness, my intent is about love and compassion so that this is what is being shown to me and what is coming into my world. Part of the trusting is this. Knowing that I’m part of this creation process and even there is something so much more intelligent at work as well.
Right now I am cradling my powerful experience. Sheltering it from the world’s opinions and beliefs. I know I’m not immune to the energy that is sent to me regardless if I know it’s just opinions, a reflection of conditioning, and a place of caring and protection. All I want to feel is the love that I’m experiencing. It is totally unexpected and I am grateful. I want to sit in it, protect it, flow with it. I have to work through my own fears and trust. I love the people in my world. I know they love me. I know they want what is best for me. But what I also know is that only I know what is best for me. Only I can navigate my conditioning with understanding and decide what I want and what works and doesn’t work for me. I am learning to trust my true self and what the universe has in store for me.
I am happy. I am grateful. I am loved and loving.