Please God, help me let go of this anger and jealousy.
Please God, help me let go of this anger and jealousy.
Please God, help me let go of this anger and jealousy.
Please God, help me let go of this anger and jealousy.
Please God, help me let go of this anger and jealousy.
Please God, help me let go of this anger and jealousy.
Please God, help me let go of this anger and jealousy.
I found myself becoming aware of this prayer I was repeating the other night when I was feeling full of negativety. I was lying in bed and my heart was racing and I was so uncomfortable. First I was surprised I was praying, since that is new to me, then I was glad that my higher-self wanted these ugly feelings away from my heart.
I slowly felt calmer and calmer. I then thought of love and joy and tried to replace those ugly feelings with some good stuff. I finally fell asleep and I’m sure I was grateful.
It’s been a tough week on and off. I am still giving too much of my power away to my ex. I have these internal battles where I’m trying to really take hold of things that I feel are not right for me in a relationship and admit it, take hold, and say it’s ok, I want it to be different. I put too much faith and hope in someone else’s opinions of knowing right answers or truth. Logically I know that there is not only one answer or one truth and that we each have our own paths, but emotionally I get stuck here sometimes. I put too much heart into believing that what she says is best and I’m having a difficult time breaking from it because I then get these feelings like I’m going to dissapoint her or hurt her.
The process i’m going through feels like it’s shattering some of the image I have of her and of us and I guess part of me doesn’t want to let it go.
I miss her – the good and the bad. Sometimes it’s just as simple as that.
I want to reach out to her and say please be more flexible so that people can get close to you. Don’t hide behind walls of privacy and boundaries. But I can’t, so I just send her love from my heart.
I am taking space. I’m not sure for how long. I’ve been tested with the idea of her moving on and I’m not ready for that. I’M not ready and I know I won’t be a kind, loving, supportive friend, so I have to back away.
It’s all so complicated and yet simple. It’s not rocket science that two people usual part ways after they break up even if they want to stay friends. At least for a period of time. It’s just that I was finally able to start sharing space with her in such a freeing way that I was hoping to stay on that path. I know I’ll get there, when I am ready. I still have more work to do.
Perhaps that’s the biggest lesson for me right now with all these battles. I need to understand the lessons of this relationship, but more importantly I don’t need to get hung up on the details. Even if I want her to explain certain things to me about past circumstances, I have to accept if she doesn’t want to. None of those things matter any more. The details don’t matter.
Finding forgiveness for myself, for her, and letting it all go. All of it. If life’s plan is for us to be in each other’s lives, we will. I have to trust that. Life always gives me what I need when I need it.