This is a letter I wrote about my first week after the separation. (excuse the poor grammar)
I literally take moment by moment and I’m never quite sure how each one is going to be. Overall things have been going better than I have expected.
Over the last week I’ve had such deeply sad empty feelings of loss and these mostly came when I thought about you not being in my future the way I had wanted. I also came across some of our email exchanges from that first summer and became angry at why that passion and excitement we both had didn’t develop into what we both had wanted. I’ve been sad that I’m losing my everyday person, my everyday go-to if you will. Who am I gonna tell the simple little things to? Who am I gonna share my little excitements with? These have been the challenging moments.
But something very powerful was happening during these experiences. I would experience them, feel, really feel, and then after awhile talk myself through them. I understood the resistant I was displaying. I understood that I was focusing on the loss of something in the future that hadn’t even existed even if I had dreamt it in my mind. I would come back to the present and what is. I would go through all the talk about lessons and that I don’t have to know all the reasons why, but that it is healthier now then what was. It seemed like my mind would then gravitate to all the wonderful things about you and our relationship. What I loved. I go through my learning and understanding, those moments would pass and I would feel better. It’s been interesting cycles like that. Not always the same, but often they have been like that.
I’ve also been feeling like a big weight has been lifted off of me. I’ve been carrying a different sadness and frustration than now, around for so long and that is leaving me. These are moments of feeling like this is the right choice, this is what is best. This is healing. I would feel small bouts of joy. Almost a feeling of freedom. Sometime after these moments my mind starts to feel guilty. You shouldn’t feel joy, you’ve just lost the woman you wanted to spend your life with; You are only supposed to be sad right now; you’re not loving by having these feelings… Awareness would kick in and I’d realize that old patterns of self sabotage and unhealthy thinking were trying to sabotage my healing. Old stories or expectations being played out. I’d stop myself. I’d have to talk through this. Saying all is ok. Feeling joy doesn’t mean I’m not sad things didn’t turn out different, it doesn’t mean I don’t love her. This is life, this is how things go. You are living, experiencing learning. Be kind to yourself.
In all of this I can feel my love is becoming more expansive for you. The process of acceptance and feeling the moments of joy have given me a glimpse into feeling that it can be different with you. When I have moments of jealousy they are becoming immediate teaching moments. I stop and ask myself what I want for you. The answer is always for you to be happy and healthy. That I want what’s best for you. That I want you to feel joy and love and play and have fun. And that those moments might not ever include me and that it’s ok because that doesn’t matter. The jealousy then dissipates.
This week has been so eye opening. I am breaking open again. I am understanding how much I have learned and am learning. I am grateful. I am humbled. I am proud.
I was a little hesitant and nervous when we made plans Saturday morning. When you asked if we could talk, the feeling was fully one of yah, I’m good with that, no problem. Then with time the hesitation was felt, I didn’t know what to expect. I then tried to remind myself that all will be fine and if I’m not comfortable I will leave and let you know I can’t talk. Again, understanding I have to take all of this moment by moment. Saturday was great. I was comfortable. I felt real. There wasn’t baggage filled with disappointment, expectation, wanting, etc. I was just there listening to your stories feeling happy, I felt good. Not fully aware of all of what was happening until I left and processed it.
I had a lot of fun today (Sunday). I had moments of worry before we met that something wasn’t going to go right, etc and I knew they were just old patterns trying to show their face. I also had a moment where I knew I still needed space and that the space allows me to continue my growth in the direction I need and want. I also know that part of my healing with you is going to be spending time with you. I don’t want complete separation until some unknown time. That is not going to be the way I heal best. That is how I’m feeling right now. And I’m feeling my way through my feelings and boundaries. I trust myself. I trust my intuition.
So I’m feeling like I want things to just go with the flow. I know I can’t contact you every time I want because I have to move into a different space with you, but I’m also ok with talking or hanging when I really want to or if you want to. Taking each of those requests when they come and us deciding if that works. No drama just evaluating if that works at that moment.
Well, there’s my story lady. In as much honesty and realism as I can explain in my written words. I am feeling very grateful right now for everything. I am most grateful that our splitting was a mutual agreement and that there isn’t anger between us. That is what I feared most. Knowing I needed to leave and fearing you would be so angry with me as in my previous attempts. I didn’t want to face all the hurt I was going to experience by watching your pain. I didn’t want to see you in pain. So I am grateful that is not how it went.
I hope you are doing ok. I know you are dealing with so much more than just this and it’s all intertwined on some level. I would like to know how you’re doing if you want to share.
I’m feeling very hopeful about us. I’m excited that I can already feel myself expanding and that my love for you is growing in a real healthy way. In a pure way.
I hope you sleep well and that you have a good week. I hope my words find you well. I owe so much of all this growth and healing to you. You have been my awakening light. I am so fortunate. Thank you doesn’t seem enough, but I know you know how deeply I mean it. I love you.