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I just wanted to say thank you for lunch. It feels so wonderful to just enjoy you without having all these strings attached that I’ve had. It’s still something I need to work on, to not have strings within all my relationships, but for now I’m just grateful that those strings are falling away with you and I’m able to just enjoy the time I do have with you. I’m surprised really that it could have happened this quickly, but it’s really all about the growth. I’m facing the truth that I didn’t really want it the way it was and I was unhappy because I wanted it to be different. I still miss you of course and sometimes get really really sad, but I feel like the neediness of wanting more is just dropping away. I’m in full acceptance mode of what is. I’m really able to appreciate more of who you are because the details of it all are no longer entangled with my everyday world. I’ve always wanted to love and respect all of who you are but I would find difficulty because of getting sad and disappointed by some of the very things that make you you, because they didn’t mesh with what I wanted or needed. I hope that makes sense.
So what I’m saying is that it feels so wonderful to sit with you and talk and share and have it feel so nice. I’m able to appreciate it truly for what it is in that moment and nothing more. It’s a gift and not at all what I could have truly imagined or expected. I thought I would have all these hangups and so far they just aren’t there. Every once in awhile irrational thoughts pop into my head and it seems to be getting easier to talk through them and laugh at myself. I had one last night that really showed me how ‘crazy’ the mind can be. It just makes shit up and I realize how much in the past I would just believe it or somehow rationalize it. I can see it in others too. Ok, I’ll give you the example of the ‘crazy’ mind last night. I hope it makes you laugh, because I did. It all took place for about 30-45 sec. in the shower.
Background – Last night I sort of wanted to go out, but wasn’t really motivated. I was going to go to the xxxxxx and just didn’t feel like it in the end. I was sort of in the space of not knowing what I wanted to do with my time. I wasn’t feeling lonely or deprived, just at a loss for not knowing what I wanted to do with my evening.
Got your text – you are at the xxxxxx and will be leaving shortly
Crazy begins – (mind tone is in full ‘attitude’ mode)
-she’s at the xxxxxx?
-I wanted to go out!
-She doesn’t even like to go out on the weekdays
-Why is she out and I’m not?
-That’s not fair (how dare she)
-She’s hanging with xxxxx and watching xxxxx’s band (jealous)
-To myself- didn’t you decide you didn’t want to go out?
-So did you really want to go out after all?
-Doesn’t she like to go out sometimes on weekdays?
-Does her going out have anything to do with you?
-Don’t you want her to go and enjoy herself and be with her friends?
-Then what are you upset at?
-laughing begins – nothing at all
Then I just looked at the whole dialog and really started laughing at how ridiculous it all was. Then I was grateful that I recognized that my awareness kicked in shortly after the ‘crazy’ had begun and I started talking to myself with questions that were getting at the truth and not something irrational. I mean really, my mind was trying to get me upset that you were out and I wasn’t and that somehow this was even your fault that I was upset. CRAZY
I appreciate these things, I really do. They are my recognition examples of my growth, and continuing teaching lessons. They are palpable.
So thank you my lady. I just love you to death and I’m currently still on a high from our lunch. I’m sitting here just feeling loved and happy.Posted on January 28, 2011 by Keli · 0 comments Read More
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