When I decided to write this journal I knew there would be posts that would be difficult to write. Posts that I would try to talk myself out of writing. Part of the journey of discovering yourself is confronting and battling. Not in a resistant way, but in ways that say, I’m not going back.
I’ve made a lot of progress with repeating kind thoughts to myself and turning negative banter into positive affirmations. I feel more love for myself as I bathe in loving meditations letting it seep into every cell of my being. Despite all of this, I battled to gain my footing and feel grounded for almost 24 hours, when I was knocked off my feet.
It started after I had a few arguments with my Girlfriend. The first argument started because I was hurt. I wanted something that I wasn’t getting. I had expectations for something that wasn’t going to be. The second was a few hours later after some healing had occurred from the first. I was still hurt and unaware. I reacted to some simple questions with a “I don’t give a shit” attitude. I was mean and not yet fully aware of my actions. When I realized that she was upset, I realized that I was angry. I was angry because I was hurt. But my hurt didn’t come out it was my anger. My anger was then fused between being hurt and hurting her. I could see the pain and sadness in her eyes. I was sorry and said so, but it was all I could do. I was not empathetic. I was not able to pause and think kind loving thoughts and relay that into action. I had a lot of emotion and didn’t like it. I didn’t trust myself. I was afraid to do any more harm. She asked me at one point what I was feeling and I said, “I feel like putting my fist through that wall.” This was not a new feeling. There are a few walls I’ve wanted to injure my fists against since I was a kid, but it’s rare.
She was leaving, I was scared. She said, “if you asked me to stay I would have stayed.” The pain seared through me. Deeply I wanted her to stay, on the surface I needed to protect her from my anger. I didn’t want to cause her any more pain. I didn’t trust myself. I couldn’t believe this was happening when it seemed like we had been making progress in the argument realm.
On this journey of discovering me I’ve been really unkind to myself and to her. She is growing and I am growing. I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself and I’ve been too hard on myself. This is some of what I’ve learned about me as I become more self-aware. She has shown me tremendous grace over this last while to support me and my growth even when I’m hurting her.
When she left, I cried hard and deep for a very long time. I had all this emotion and at that moment the tears were my outlet. I kept asking myself why I was so angry and why was I so unkind. Why am I so hurtful to someone I love so much. I was trying to get at the root. Trying to be honest. I found some answers but wasn’t satisfied. I was angry at not being able to break this cycle.
When the tears dried, I laid there empty. My body heavy, my mind blank. By an act of grace, I fell asleep.
When I awoke I had the same feeling I went to bed with. I was no longer angry but empty and sad. The pep talks weren’t working. I finally talked myself into getting outside and walking near the water after laying in bed for a few hours. For the first time in this self-discovery journey phase (started about 3 mths ago), I fully become aware of the sensation of not feeling worthy to feel better. I felt tremendous guilt over the events that occurred and didn’t feel like it was ok for me to just feel better. I felt I needed to be punished. At one point I recognized that perhaps feeling this way was the punishment. I was able to rationalize with myself and say, this is when it is most important to be kind. This is the exercise. Then I would stop and repeat thoughts like, “be kind to yourself, I love you, it is ok, forgive yourself, don’t be so hard on yourself, this is how to break the cycle.” I would tell myself that if I wasn’t showing loving kindness to myself now, I couldn’t break it in the moment like I wanted. I had to be compassionate to me to be compassionate to her.
I walked around like a Zombie for hours and hours. At times feeling empty and nothing, at other times telling myself this is what I deserved, and other times, repeating positive phrasing over and over forcing myself to try to feel their meanings.
I felt the loving energy she sent me from afar. This at times was confusing. I loved that she was loving me, but the unworthy side of me kept wanting to push that away.
I would also stop to send loving light her way and ask for forgiveness. This needed to be part of my process.
It was a strange day. It was a day of breakthroughs. Later that day, I was somewhat aware that it was a transition point for myself. It has a lot more meaning and understanding as the days go on. I learned that even though I know I’m worthy, there are going to be times when this doesn’t feel like something I know. That I’m going to feel less than. That I am going to have a hard time forgiving myself. I also know that there was no getting around it. I felt impatient throughout the day and in moments remembered, you have to go through it to come out the other side. I had to experience it all. I’m proud that I practiced giving myself love, even though it didn’t feel real and I felt unworthy. I asked the power of the loving universe to help me several times, to be kind to myself and to others. This is my ultimate goal. It is a journey. It’s not going to happen over night.
I’ve been able to think about all the expectations, wants and needs. I have to be honest about these and share them. I have to make sure I can give and not just expect to receive. I have to break the old mold. I have to be truthful about where I am.
It was a painful day made slightly easier with the calmness of nature around me and the movement of my body walking many many miles. As I laid in bed that night feeling a little less alone and empty, I said I was grateful for it all. I am growing. I love me. I am worthy. I am a good person. I am a loving person. I am an unkind person. I am learning compassion and forgiveness. Every moment is a gift and expectations are illusions.
Thank you my lady for helping me be me on this journey and for understanding that I don’t ever want to hurt you. That my intent is to be loving.